Piranha DD (2012) review

Piranha DD (2012)

Review by George Elcombe

‘Take that, laughing diarrhoea baby’

I’ll be honest: I didn’t see piranha 3D (2010). That film looked fun, had girls in bikinis, gore, Ving Rhames kicking aquatic ass and Kelly Brook. All in glorious 3D! But alas, I missed it in the cinema and just haven’t gotten around to watching it yet. But I am a fan of intentional B movies that are just made for the sole purpose of being fun for the audience. These films don’t win any big awards but are loved by audience who don’t take cinema as seriously as the rest (pretentious film students, I’m talking about you!!).

So I heard that the plot for the first film went something like this: spring break at a lake, some divers discover an underwater cave with prehistoric badass piranha eggs, girls in bikinis get naked, the piranhas hatch and attack every thing moving, lots of gore, Ving Rhames being a badass!

So I’m expecting boobs, gore, comedy, and generally a fun movie which won’t take itself seriously.  And I should add that I am reviewing the 2D version of the film.

Plot: the film opens with a fake news broadcast highlight the events of the first film a year ago, and asking where the piranhas will appear next. Marine biologist Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) returns to her home town to discover her stepfather Chet (David Koechner) is planning to open an adult themed water park called ‘The Big Wet’. So that explains the naked ladies. However the piranhas have spawned in the local lake which the park pumps in its water, and thanks to some exposition from Christopher Lloyd’s mad marine biologist, we discover that the piranhas can swim up pipes and will no doubt attack the water park on its opening day. Oh yeh, it has David Hasselhoff as the park’s celebrity lifeguard to save the day from the piranhas.

Does this film sound serious to you? Because it’s just a fun ride!  It’s often predictable, over the top and just silly. The formula of ‘teens about to / having sex will die in a nasty fashion’ is here but we also have a love triangle between Maddy, her old flame Kyle (Chris Zylka) who’s now a crooked cop and Barry (Mat Bush), a dorky water park employee who’s handy with a trident. Makes you wonder who’s going to get the girl and what their going to do with their trident…

Unlike its predecessor, this film was shot entirely in 3D and I would have liked to have seen that version. This film is littered with gimmicky shots designed to poke your eyes out, but I would have definitely enjoyed a more immersive viewing experience, especially with the gore.

Speaking of which, this film is brutal and doesn’t hold back but is very much in the vein of Itchy and Scratchy cartoons. But with added boobies. Some moments made me laugh out loud and it pulls no punches, especially in the scene where a character looses her virginity, and the man looses, well, just watch it.

As for the humour there are some terrific one liners from various characters, especially from one Mr David Hasselhoff. This film plays up his character and the legend that he is and he has the majority of the films scene stealing moments my favourite being when a kid thinks he’s a real lifeguard.

But he is not the only actor who has surprise cameos. Gary Busey is hilarious in the films opening and Christopher Lloyd is great with his obsession with his YouTube hits and his theories on walking piranhas. Ving Rhames returns briefly for a scene which is reminiscent of Planet Terror (2007) and had me in stitches with just how bad ass he is.

Director John Gulager must have had so much fun making this film and was inspired by the sort of video nasties that I used to watch as a child featuring minimal plot, wooden acting and buckets of cheese and gore.

One plus of the film is how it builds suspense.  We all know these characters are two dimensional and mainly just fodder, but there are a few times in this film where I was sucked in  and hoping said character would survive. The soundtrack consisting of shrieking violins also helped to build the suspense but still remained cheesy and fun.

The cinematography (minus some excellent use of slow motion) and every other technical aspects of this film are generic, but I am not going to be as critical as I am towards the next Paul Thomas Anderson film (which I can’t wait for!). However my main issue with this film is the short runtime. It ended at the 68 minute mark, and had 8 minutes of bloopers, deleted scenes and a mini music video before the credits!

The film’s opening is great and the pace is good until the love triangle develops and slows things down. But then slams back into gear once Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames appear, and the last 20 minutes is carnage which is a joy to watch. And as tradition in these kinds of horror films: it sets up part three.

The DVD title screen has the films poster model with a montage of the film reflected in her glasses. It features hot naked girls and the Hoff, but spoils the whole film!

Dolby 5.1 is standard but I didn't notice it much. We have feature commentary by director John Gulager, producer Joel Soisson and co-writer Marcus Dunsten. I’m not a fan of commentaries, but can imagine this would be fun.

‘Behind the DD’ is a brief making of featurette which basically shows you how much fun they had making this film, but spoils the whole movie.

One extra that I think should be on every DVD is ‘The Hofftastic World of David Hasslehoff’.  Here we have another brief documentary but focusing entirely on the Hoff! He just lampoons his image, himself, and the religion of the Hoff and you get to hear him say ‘wanker’.

‘Wet and wild with David Koechner’ shows goofy interviews intercut with film clips and behind the scenes footage.

The funny and random short 'A Lesson with John McEnroe' is included and is worth a watch.

We also get two short deleted scenes and ‘Busey’s bloopers’ which prove he's crazy but hilarious, and some trailers.

Ultimately it’s a great Saturday night film which is homage to Troma and other trash cinema before it. Turn your brain off. This is an enjoyably silly and fun ride. With fish.

6 out of 10

If you like this try:

Tremors (1990)

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

Planet Terror (2007)

Battleship (2012) review

Battleship (2012)

Review by George Elcombe

“We have a battleship”

WARNING: before watching this film it is advisable that you turn your brain off. And don’t expect too much.

So how do I begin to write a review for a film where: 1) The trailer didn’t interest me at all, 2) I’ve heard from everyone I know who’s seen it that its rubbish, 3) It has Rihanna in it.

It’s a daunting task, but I enjoyed the hell out of Transformers (2007) which I still believe is a great example of a fun Hollywood popcorn summer movie. So how well do other Hasbro toy lines translate? Let’s find out.

Plot: A stereotypical British, smart sounding scientist announces that they have found a planet across the galaxy which can sustain human life. So they build some fancy radar dishes in Hawaii and send out a signal to the planet.

Meanwhile: a long haired scruffy bloke called Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) is celebrating his birthday in a bar with his naval brother Stone Hopper (Alexander Skarsgard) when… hold up, who names their first born son ‘Stone’? Rocky or Pebbles are one thing but Stone? Really?

So, Stone is calling his properly named sibling a looser when the films eye candy Samantha (Brooklyn Decker) walks in and wants a beer and a burrito from the barman. My kind of girl! Alas, the kitchen / microwave is closed so Alex goes to get her a burrito from the convenience store across the road, which just happens to be closed. And he’s drunk. Seriously, this scene is the funniest in the movie and if the rest of this film kept this stupid tone then I would have given it a higher rating. But no. Alex gets arrested, sobers up, gets a prep talk from his brother and joins the Navy!

Fast forward a few months later and there all in Hawaii, the brothers are on separate battleships and Alex wants to ask Samantha’s father for her hand in marriage. Her father by the way is Liam Neeson (Liam Neeson) who possesses a certain set of skills and will find and kill, wait, wrong movie, he’s the fleet’s admiral so Alex has his work cut out for him. So some war games begin, some alien crafts with superior firepower land in the sea, create an impenetrable dome of no escape with just three battleships contained, and Alex and his crew (including Rihanna. Seriously, Rihanna) have to save the world from domination and rape of the earths natural resources. Kind of an analogy on America’s occupation of the Middle East really.

But very few people will watch this movie for plot. It from the people who made Transformers (2007) after all so we want cheese, explosions, excellent special effects, corny one liners, loud rock music, slow motion flags with the navy looking cool, more explosions, faceless villains and above all fun. Which sadly this film is lacking. It dragged on and by the third act I was bored. Until some old men turned up.

It’s just too predictable and clichéd; from the smart British guy, the brothers looking at each other before a life / plot changing event, the ‘alien touching the human and the human suddenly seeing the whole aliens plan to rape and pillage the earth’ which you can find in Paul (2011) and Independence Day (1996) excellent film) and the aliens have goatees. Never trust a man with a goatee.

First of all I am please to say that they worked out the grid of the original game into an interesting and kind of suspenseful action scene. The effects are great and I like the design of the alien ships, even though they reminded me of frogs. But the rest of this film is like a toast to bad acting and script writing.

The world navy meet up is called Rimpac which although a real event, sounds a bit dirty to a reviewer who grew up watching Beavis and Butthead (1993 – still going!). Hmm, lots of men at Rimpac. But we don’t get a volleyball scene; we get a soccer game with America vs. Japan. Nothing is mentioned regarding Pearl Harbour, but we have Rihanna pretty much acting like a jock on the pitch.

The cinematography is standard but the shots of Hawaii just reminded me of Lost (2004 - 2010). As in Star Trek (2009) you see a lot of lens flare. But you forget as that film is a good movie with great characters, a witty script and plot development. This film doesn’t have any of that.

Ok, so it explains why the aliens come down, what their plan is and why they erect a huge dome: but it doesn’t explain why no one on the island can see it or knows about it. It shows four alien ships heading to Earth; one hits an orbiting satellite, blows up and debris hits Hong Kong and Scotland. Erm, these ships can near enough withstand cannon fire but is incapacitated by a satellite. And did the debris circle the earth to reach Scotland? If only I had turned off my brain before watching this film these things wouldn’t have mattered.

This is just another film where I stopped caring half way through, except when some retired Navy officers turned off, but even then it was ruined by lines such as:

“You men have given so much to your country, and no one has the right to ask any more of you. But I'm asking.”

And then it got me thinking: on a naval base, where are the rest of the Navy? Who was looking after these veterans?

The DVD menu features rock music and a montage of the films explosions and some slight spoilers. But it shows the top of a building falling down in a city. I thought this film was set at sea? False advertising I say.

As a tent pole summer release from Universal Studios I expected a few trailers. We have promos for: The Bourne Legacy (2012), The Lorax (2012), Paranorman (2012), (which looks like a lot of fun) and Snow White and the Huntsman (2012). However I experienced great joy from the Universal 100th anniversary trailer which features some of the studios’ best and iconic moment from its back catalogue of some truly excellent films.

The only extra is a trailer for the tie-in computer game which is a boring looking first person shooter.

I would have liked to seen a short documentary on the original board game and how it was developed for film, but I think they might have something like that on the Blu-Ray release.

Ultimately this is just another forgettable summer blockbuster. This film should have not taken itself so seriously, allowed a bit more time spent on the script and acting (Rihanna) and remained as fun in tone as the first five minutes. As such, it sinks. And if you thought that last line was bad, go and watch this film to hear a lot worse!

One final thing: there is a fun sequence after the credits

4 out of 10

If you like this try:

Under Siege (1992)

Independence Day (1996)

Transformers (2007)