Battleship (2012)
Review by George Elcombe
“We have a battleship”
WARNING: before watching this film it is advisable that you turn your
brain off. And don’t expect too much.
So how do I begin to write a review for a film where: 1) The trailer
didn’t interest me at all, 2) I’ve heard from everyone I know who’s seen it
that its rubbish, 3) It has Rihanna in it.
It’s a daunting task, but I enjoyed the hell out of Transformers (2007)
which I still believe is a great example of a fun Hollywood popcorn summer
movie. So how well do other Hasbro toy lines translate? Let’s find out.
Plot: A stereotypical British, smart sounding scientist announces that
they have found a planet across the galaxy which can sustain human life. So
they build some fancy radar dishes in Hawaii
Meanwhile: a long haired scruffy bloke called Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch)
is celebrating his birthday in a bar with his naval brother Stone Hopper
(Alexander Skarsgard) when… hold up, who names their first born son ‘Stone’? Rocky
or Pebbles are one thing but Stone? Really?
So, Stone is calling his properly named sibling a looser when the films
eye candy Samantha (Brooklyn Decker) walks in and wants a beer and a burrito
from the barman. My kind of girl! Alas, the kitchen / microwave is closed so
Alex goes to get her a burrito from the convenience store across the road,
which just happens to be closed. And he’s drunk. Seriously, this scene is the
funniest in the movie and if the rest of this film kept this stupid tone then I
would have given it a higher rating. But no. Alex gets arrested, sobers up,
gets a prep talk from his brother and joins the Navy!
Fast forward a few months later and there all in Hawaii America ’s
occupation of the Middle East really.
But very few people will watch this movie for plot. It from the people
who made Transformers (2007) after all so we want cheese, explosions, excellent
special effects, corny one liners, loud rock music, slow motion flags with the
navy looking cool, more explosions, faceless villains and above all fun. Which
sadly this film is lacking. It dragged on and by the third act I was bored.
Until some old men turned up.
It’s just too predictable and clichéd; from the smart British guy, the
brothers looking at each other before a life / plot changing event, the ‘alien
touching the human and the human suddenly seeing the whole aliens plan to rape
and pillage the earth’ which you can find in Paul (2011) and Independence Day
(1996) excellent film) and the aliens have goatees. Never trust a man with a
goatee.
First of all I am please to say that they worked out the grid of the
original game into an interesting and kind of suspenseful action scene. The
effects are great and I like the design of the alien ships, even though they
reminded me of frogs. But the rest of this film is like a toast to bad acting and script
writing.
The
world navy meet up is called Rimpac which although a real event, sounds a bit
dirty to a reviewer who grew up watching Beavis and Butthead (1993 – still
going!). Hmm, lots of men at Rimpac. But we don’t get a volleyball scene;
we get a soccer game with America
vs. Japan .
Nothing is mentioned regarding Pearl
Harbour
The
cinematography is standard but the shots of Hawaii just reminded me of Lost (2004 -
2010). As in Star Trek (2009) you see a lot of lens flare. But you forget as
that film is a good movie with great characters, a witty script and plot
development. This film doesn’t have any of that.
Ok, so
it explains why the aliens come down, what their plan is and why they erect a
huge dome: but it doesn’t explain why no one on the island can see it or knows
about it. It shows four alien ships heading to Earth; one hits an orbiting satellite,
blows up and debris hits Hong Kong and Scotland . Erm, these ships can near
enough withstand cannon fire but is incapacitated by a satellite. And did the
debris circle the earth to reach Scotland ? If only I had turned off
my brain before watching this film these things wouldn’t have mattered.
This is just another film where I stopped caring
half way through, except when some retired Navy officers turned off, but even then
it was ruined by lines such as:
“You men have given so much to your country, and no
one has the right to ask any more of you. But I'm asking.”
And then it got me thinking: on a naval base, where
are the rest of the Navy? Who was looking after these veterans?
The DVD menu features rock music and a montage of
the films explosions and some slight spoilers. But it shows the top of a
building falling down in a city. I thought this film was set at sea? False
advertising I say.
As a tent
pole summer release from Universal Studios I expected a few trailers. We have
promos for: The Bourne Legacy (2012),
The Lorax (2012), Paranorman (2012), (which looks like a lot of fun) and Snow
White and the Huntsman (2012). However I experienced great joy from the
Universal 100th anniversary trailer which features some of the studios’ best
and iconic moment from its back catalogue of some truly excellent films.
The only extra is a trailer for the tie-in computer
game which is a boring looking first person shooter.
I would have liked to seen a short documentary on
the original board game and how it was developed for film, but I think they
might have something like that on the Blu-Ray release.
Ultimately this is just another forgettable summer
blockbuster. This film should have not taken itself so seriously, allowed a bit
more time spent on the script and acting (Rihanna) and remained as fun in tone
as the first five minutes. As such, it sinks. And if you thought that last line
was bad, go and watch this film to hear a lot worse!
One final thing: there is a fun sequence after the
credits
4 out of 10
If you like this try:
Under Siege (1992)
Independence Day (1996)
Transformers (2007)
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